The Gruesome True Story of St. Valentine's

''Saint Valentine's miracle apparently involved bringing sight to a blind woman. Rrrright.'' -- Assininus, 800 AD

by Houghton Piker

HISTORY's lost the young lady's real name
But for this tale it'll be Molly Piven--
the inspiration for every Valentine card
Ever made, bought, stolen, or given

Molly was pretty and young and bat blind
She worked all day long at the city gaol,
serving gruel to all the many doomed men
And cleaning each filthy filled pail

One day she heard a trilly sweet hymn
Coming from the inmate Pere Valentine
(Sentenced to death for buggering sheep).
His songs made her lonesome heart pine

He was not very sweet when it came to smell
But the cleric did seem to have style
And anyhoo, poor Molly lamented,
One met so few nice men 'long the Green Mile

Noting that she was the gal with the gruel
Valentine began swiftly to woo her
Her wrote her poems, songs, and such like
Which made Molly oh so much the blinder

So smitten was she that she lost all sense
and asked Val if he'd like to get hitched
But the saint-to-be said he was married to God
and his large, bearlike cellmate named Mitch.

Sensing her sadness yet used to plus gruel,
He promised her he'd pray to the Lord,
That she'd get her sight back with faith enough.
And with that she much more him adored.

So Valentine he Amenned away
and every day he grew a wee fatter
Our Molly she prayed right by his side
but as time passed she only grew sadder

The day came for Valentine's hanging
His corpse it took five men to lift
Molly was near dead with crying
but right then the guards relayed a gift

The note was signed, ''From Your Valentine''
It told her that she owned his heart.
And the guards, in a sad bit of misreading,
had brought Molly . . . the actual part.

It was meaty and arterially spouting.
Without sight she knew it was dark
''Dear me,'' said she, epiphanally
and fed it to dogs in the park.

Thus ends the tale of the first valentine
and the miracle that got the man sainted
Now go out to Hallmark and spend all you like
For no reason should your holiday be tainted!

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