The Flash Discusses His Disqualification from the Olympics

by Leon N. Cluck

I wasn’t older than 15 when I took the mile at State
With a time lower than sound.
I arrived home, trophy held high, on the shoulders of my team
Cuddly cheerleaders proclaiming their love for me
Colleges begging me to talk to them in a couple of years
Back in that town I couldn't get in trouble if I wanted

When I went away to college
Coach spent more time screaming with enthusiasm
Than he did helping the rest of the team
''That's the heat you sonofabitch!
You’ll be bigger than Prefontaine!''
Even with my costume
The NCAA never seemed interested in my speed
Since my urine was lacking it.
I shattered record after record
Until someone asked me
''Why aren't you in the Olympics?''

When I got to Athens
It looked like I was going to be the one
I burned through the trials
A couple of guys even quit when they saw me
Before the first staring pistol could fire
The IOC decided to step in

I took every poke and prod
Produced gallon upon gallon of piss
Everything was ok, but they still wouldn't let me compete
I was too fast for them

I just wanted to make my country proud
As I beat the pants off the Kenyans
Maybe I could have gotten an endorsement
FedEx or UPS, maybe even steal USPS from
That one-testicled guy on the bike
And make a little money to help out the Justice League
Maybe pick up the check for Batman every once in a while

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