I Had a Fruit Fight with Jesus

by Zach Brown

I had a fruit fight with Jesus, on Tuesday last week
And I'm still picking guava seeds out of my cheek
He clearly whipped my ass, it was a victorious rout
As evidenced by the cantaloupe still stuck in my snout
He flung those bing cherries at incomprehensible speeds
Grapes smashed in my forehead and made my ears bleed
''My Lord, why do you forsake me?'' I cried to him freely
As my eyes became blinded with the juice of the kiwi
The passion fruit of the Christ hit me square in the arm
But the plums were all ripe and did not do much harm
''My child, I do love you, you know this,'' he said
As he hurled a honeydew into my head.
But the lessons of life often lead to painful days,
And to teach this, I move in mysterious ways,
I turned as he side-stepped and double fake-pumped
And a handful of cumquats splattered into my rump.
My soul filled with warmth from My Lord's glowing love
As the grapefruits painfully rained down from above.
''My Lord, I repent!'' I cried from deep within
''I know of my foolishness, and my selfish sin!''
And dropping the English pears he held in his fingers
He opened his arms and bade I not linger
And as I wept quietly in his divine embrace
He smeared pineapple rings all over my face

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