I'm a Nice Guy

by Zach Brown

I poke badgers with a spoon
Tickle aardvarks with a stick
Teach monkeys to use brooms
And chase beavers with my dick

Wrap giraffes in feather boas
And herd chipmunks on a boat
And pretend that I'm their Noah
While we row across the moat

I take squirrels out to movies
At least once or twice a week
They sit real quiet and polite
With nuts stuffed in their cheeks

I give aphids singing lessons
Share my sandwich with the bees
Give pandas funny haircuts
Hanging up in bamboo trees

I give lemonade to bunnies
And tuck muskrats into bed
Make sure the bears have honey
And bop field mice on the head

I give possums reading glasses
And hold the hands of the baboons
Bake muffins for the basses
And help them clean their rooms

Attend festivals with moose
Go out drinking with the elk
Stop by the skunk's at midnight
And watch some Lawrence Welk

Homemade French fries for the baby seals.
And pot pies for the whales.
Throw dances in the horse's barn
Bounce with goats on fresh hay bales.

Take chinchillas out to Wal Mart
And buy them underwear
Put the kittens in a Go Kart
And go zooming here and there

I bake pies for all the zebras
And help polar bears across the ice
I think, more or less, as guys go
That I am pretty nice.

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